Learning Ejaculatory Control

Mon, 05/07/2012 - 07:18
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Although society has yet to honor a sexually experienced woman, I’ve gotten a lot of personal satisfaction knowing what I want when it comes to partnersex. It’s always a pleasure to be with a person who is self-assured— confident in their ability to give and receive pleasure.

I prefer a man who can maintain an erection long enough to enjoy the dance of sexual love. If he’s not a cocksman, he has mastered oral and manual sex skills. Before any sexual contact takes place, we discuss birth control instead of him assuming it’s my sole responsibility. The following list also applies to women lovers.

1. Before any genital contact takes place, oil based lubrication comes first.

2. Their touch is gentle and I’m encouraged to guide them or to even show them how I like my clitoris to be stimulated.

3. As I get more aroused, they never try to match my excitement but remain a steady drummer keeping a consistent beat.

4. They savor slow penetration when entering my vagina.

5. They totally approve if I want to take control of my own clitoral stimulation.

6. If I use a vibrator they never felt threatened.

7. When I desire penetration while vibrating, they’re happy to oblige using a penis, fingers or a dildo.

8. They support my orgasm without claiming it as their own creation.

9. After we share orgasms, we enjoy spending affectionate time while we remain physically close talking about our lives.

10. Sometimes we go over those special moments that were particularly successful in making our sexual exchange enjoyable.

Of course I could go on for many pages covering a multitude of non-sexual aspects worth their weight in gold— like intelligence, thoughtfulness, affectionate, sense of humor, and the ability to share aspects of their inner lives. As for appearances, the most handsome man or beautiful woman can turn ugly quickly due to their self-centered ways, while a homely person can become beautiful due to their generous spirit. With maturity, I was far less dedicated to outward appearances than in my youth.

Nowadays when it comes to discussing sex, men and women respond differently. First off, the idea of looking for “sexual tips” needs to be replaced by learning “sexual skills.” While many women would rather speak of love and commitment and guys often act like they already know everything, couples need to have a conversation about what they like or need to order to enjoy orgasms. This is no easy task. Men have told me that when they ask their girlfriends what they like, they are either accused of being “too clinical” or she has no idea what she likes. Women have said when they suggest reading a specific sex book, their boyfriends get defensive. However, if you were discussing skills about how to improve his golf swing, or to better apply her make-up, both sexes would most likely be interested. Talking openly about our sexual preferences is sadly lacking. Most of us are tongue tied when it comes to speaking about sex.

One of the things most women want in a lover is a man who can get and keep his erection. Conscious masturbation practiced on a regular basis is the key to his erectile function. Getting hard is rarely a problem for most guys when they are young and healthy. For this age group staying hard is the challenge. But as men age, the arteries narrow, blood thickens, and it takes more time and effort to get an erection.

That two-minute hand-job in the morning shower is not circulating his sex energy fully or teaching our youth to sustain a hard-on. In every age group, “quickies” are training men to come fast which will interfere with their ability to enjoy the dance of erotic love to its fullest when they are with a partner.

Wilhelm Reich once stated that how a person feels about masturbation is how they feel about sex in general. Back in “the good old days” of abundant casual sex, I used to determine whether or not a man would be fun in bed by asking him how he felt about masturbation. The ones who said they never had to masturbate or they only did it to relieve sexual tension were eliminated immediately. Trial and error taught me that many of those hot looking Romeos were just using a woman’s vagina for masturbation. In all the years I’ve listened to women talk about sex, the most common complaint is that intercourse never lasts long enough. Just as she’s getting turned-on, he ejaculates. Some guys just roll over and go to sleep while others continue with oral or manual sex.

Learning Ejaculatory Control: Men who want partnersex to last longer must learn how to delay ejaculation by training themselves to sustain higher levels of arousal through the practice of masturbation. When I asked an older man how he learned to stay hard, he said besides being an avid masturbator, fear motivated him. He grew up when condoms were difficult to obtain and if you were lucky enough to get laid, holding off as long as possible and then pulling out was the major form of birth control. Most agree that a man’s pre-come doesn’t have enough sperm to cause a pregnancy, but it’s always better to err on the side of caution.

Today the X-generation takes condoms for granted. They are the best method for protecting against STD’s. When one of my young lovers became sexually active, he said at first when his condom was nice and tight, it dampened sexual sensation, which helped him to maintain his erection. But during intercourse when the condom stretched (even with plenty of lube) the sensual feeling of her vagina along with a loose condom rubbing over his dickhead created additional sensation. This combination often caused him to come quickly. Convinced partnersex could be better; he set out to develop what he called “come control.” Along with reading every book he could find on the subject of sex, he masturbated religiously to practice holding off his ejaculation.

Conscious Masturbation: If you are not circumcised, your own foreskin will give you adequate lubrication and sensation. To have baby boys routinely circumcised is a form of male genital mutilation. Fortunately, this unnecessary surgery is happening less. If you are circumcised an organic massage oil will make masturbation far more sensual. If none is available, a combination of saliva and pre-come is better than nothing. There are many ways to handle your penis. Some men use the palm of their hand circling the shaft and others circle the glans or head of the dick with a thumb and forefinger. A few use both hands. Be experimental and try different techniques. It’s a good idea to vary the rhythm and use a gentle grip. Your other hand can massage your testicles, nipples or anus. Pay attention to your sensations— what feels good, what feels neutral and what gets your build-up going.

Conscious masturbation allows you to become familiar with your arousal pattern. Try to practice several times a week like an athlete working out or a musician learning to play an instrument. Depending upon your age, it’s not uncommon to take months to a year to gain consistent control and be confident that you can last between ten to thirty minutes during partnersex. The degree of self esteem you get is well worth the effort.

Practicing Come Control: The classic squeeze technique is what most books and magazines discuss. Masters and Johnson used this method for married couples with the wife providing manual stimulation for her husband. She stimulated him until he told her he was getting close to coming. Then she would stop and squeeze just under the glans of his penis until the urge to ejaculate subsided. After a moment, she resumed stimulation and they would repeat the process. Some men complained their wives were too rough when they pinched them. I suspect a few were expressing old resentments from all the times she didn’t get to have her orgasm. Besides, why should it be her job to train him when it’s his dick?

My recommendation is for each man to train himself long before he gets married. However if you are currently married, it’s never too late to improve your sex skills if you are willing to put in a little practice time the same as if you were out on the driving range improving your golf swing. Men who are married or living with a lover need to create a space where they have privacy and can concentrate. During masturbation, just before you feel the surge toward ejaculation, stop and press your thumb and finger just under the rim of your glans or at the base of your penis. Semen travels through the urethral tube that runs up the underside of the penis. Squeezing this tube while relaxing will also retard ejaculation. After chilling out a moment, start stroking again. Repeating this process will allow you to learn how to sustain higher levels of sexual arousal.

Some men think about something not related to sex to impede a climax. One lover said he became a “fuck monk,” putting sex images and hot fantasies out of his mind. Instead he focused on benevolent feelings toward imaginary girlfriends while playing somber music. Fortunately he didn’t have access to Internet porn which is creating a nation of fast ejaculators. Porn offers way too much visual stimulation so coming fast is inevitable. Another problem is when a young man uses such a tight grip that a vagina doesn’t offer sufficient stimulation. More about the use and abuse of Internet porn will be in another post.

Stop/Start: While masturbating, instead of squeezing, simply stop all stimulation just before the autonomic ejaculation system kicks in by taking your hand away. As your dick stands alone in the breeze, you might feel a tight sensation or a slight cramping, but nothing that painful. Once the orgasmic feeling calms down you can start stroking again. Within a short period of time, orgasmic feelings leading up to ejaculation return. Again take your hand away before the autonomic ejaculation switch is thrown. One friend of mine called this process “Staying on rainbow ridge.” Enjoying orgasmic sensations without the finality of ejaculation is pleasurable. Most men enjoy these pre-orgasmic sensations just before ejaculation.

Pelvic Floor Muscles: The PC muscle or pubococcygeus is a key player in sexual pleasure for both sexes. It affects a man’s ability to get hard, stay hard and have a full orgasm. This is the muscle that both women and men use it to hold back urine and contracts involuntarily during ejaculation. Men need to strengthen their PC muscle by consciously squeezing and releasing it doing rounds of repetitions. As you grow older, weak pelvic floor muscles will result in urinary incontinence, difficulty in getting erect and weaker ejaculations with orgasm.

Women struggle to have orgasms so I suggest they pump the PC muscle. Men struggle to keep from coming so relaxing the PC muscle often helps. Other men claim that tightening the PC helps to hold off orgasm. Some bear down a bit, which is done with the same muscular movement as forcing the stream of urine to flow faster. Observe this muscle during moments that feel best and experiment.

Just remember that keeping the pelvic floor muscles relaxed is a constant challenge. Even after years of conscious control, it’s still easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment and suddenly realize you are climbing to orgasm because your PC muscle just tightened. Taking slow deep belly breaths can sometimes help to relax the muscle.

Devoting all of your J.O. time to a disciplined practice and introspection could become boring. Allow yourself sessions for pleasure only, some for practice only, and at times try a combination of the two. Always treat yourself to an orgasm in the end so you will be motivated to practice again. I welcome men’s comments on what works for them when it comes to learning how to last longer. Back in the sixties, Kinsey put the national average of erection after vaginal penetration at 2 ½ minutes. Hopefully some men will be motivated to improve that number. Pleasure is worth learning and practicing. Ask any woman who loves sex.

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Ejaculatory control

Mon, 05/07/2012 - 09:45
Mead (not verified)

I have found it to be a journey. When I was in my 20's, I could go over and over again. Fortunately, I learned to be competent at oral sex from a woman 10 years my senior.

For quite a long time I would do "edge play" attempting to withhold ejaculation without much real success. I found it easier to simply let one go and then resume lovemaking. Then, in my late 40's I encountered Tantric Yoga and learned specific techniques to master the art of separating orgasm and ejaculation. Even so, I had to learn from more than one teacher.

Nowadays I can legitimately claim competence in this area, both in terms of doing (or NOT doing) whatever it takes to bring my partner to whatever variety of orgasm(s) she happens to be seeking in the moment. I find that surprisingly little is required. (Sometimes simply remaining still in exactly the right position and running focused energy is all that is needed).

However, I also notice that other priorities have pushed my explorations aside. With current economic conditions, I notice that many women seem to be fleeing to the sexless security variety of relationship. I find myself working on other stuff and letting relationships slide. I guess Mazlow was right. One needs to make sure the basics are handled, and then comes fulfillment.

masturbating without ejaculation

Mon, 05/07/2012 - 12:09
ManCan1 (not verified)

I masturbate without ejaculation since my early teenage time. I came to it because I lost too much energy and I thought it can not be natural that after such splenid moment I should be in bad mood. Then, I noticed there are so many sensations associated when masturbating without ejacuation. Later on I came across books describing that ejaculation is a good thing and that one can have an orgasm without ejaculation. I never got to a full blown orgasm without ejaculation or only on very rare occations. I was often close to it. For me it is all a question of being able to relax or to be able to be in a meditative state. I learned to climax without ejaculation last two years. It only happens when not demanding or projecting anything. Just staying with what is felt. I had no sucess with technical squeezing. For me it is a question of being able to be in a state of mind where the mind can stay with the moment.   

Dr Betty, I really appreciate your perspective. . .

Mon, 05/07/2012 - 17:38

Dr Betty, I really appreciate your experienced perspective on what makes a good lover. I can identify with all of your points. I might add a few points from my own perspective on some of the things I appreciate in a female partner:
1. She is adventurous and enjoys both giving and receiving oral and manual sex.
2. She enjoys taking her time: lots of erotic kissing before and during sex, and lots of affection afterwards. We share affection outside the bedroom, too.
3. She is as devoted to my pleasure as I am to hers. If she wants a particular form of stimulation, she tells me or shows me and is honest about her responses.
4. She is willing to take the time to help me have more than one orgasm, and doesn't assume I'm done after my first (my wife has always been great about this).
5. We maintain a sense of humor during lovemaking. When things don't quite go right, we can laugh about it and keep going.

I'm sure we could all add much more about what we look for in a good partner. As you said, there are so many other aspects of a good lover that are important as well! Generosity, kindness, intelligence, and so on.

The fact that male and female arousal patterns are different has led to many misunderstandings. Woman may need more of a buildup before reaching a higher state of arousal, while men (especially younger men) are usually raring to go right away. It does make sense for men to learn to take their time and not be in a rush to 'get it over with' as young guys might tend to do. They especially have to learn that their own orgasm doesn't mean the end of lovemaking---their partner is probably still in need of pleasuring and they should drop the selfishness and help her with her needs, which are as important as his own.

However, focusing too much on 'come control' may also have negative consequences. It assumes that a man can have only one orgasm (not true), and that he needs to delay that orgasm more or less indefinitely until he is sure that his partner is satisfied. But it's frankly confusing for men to be told by experts that many women aren't all that turned on by intercourse, yet he should make sure he has a prolonged erection anyway because most women want intercourse to last longer! If a man knows that his partner really enjoys penetration, 'lasting longer' makes sense, yet supposedly relatively few women do. While a quick, single male orgasm isn't a good thing, men also shouldn't view their own orgasm as an adversary they have to battle against rather than enjoy. 'Come control', afer all, essentially means training oneself not to have an orgasm---a habit a man can really regret as he gets older and arousal isn't as certain.

I'm not against reasonable 'control' at all when it's called for. It's a good skill to have. I just think men and women should drop the stress and struggle, respect one another's arousal patterns, and have good, caring, mutual fun together.

Well said Patrick R

Betty Dodson's picture
Tue, 05/08/2012 - 11:01
Betty Dodson

While it's true that few women can come from penetration only, once she adds some direct clit stim, fucking becomes heavenly. That's when "come control" is worthwhile. We also know that many women just love the sensation of a firm penis inside her vagina. It's so basic as it represents the profound act of procreation. Creating another life is a very emotional concept for many. I do remember clearly when I was married and that one time we decided I'd get pregnant. My fast ejaculating husband had a boner and I had more than one orgasm. It was very emotional. But that was the end of his control and I went back to sneaky marital masturbation. Sad that it didn't dawn on either of us to add some direct clit stim during intercourse. Sex was so troublesome that we stopped trying to have it and became best friends and roommates.

Dr Betty, thanks for your clarification

Tue, 05/08/2012 - 20:12

Dr Betty, thanks for your clarification. It's nice to know that some women do value penile-vaginal sex. It seems that your marriage must have been during the era before the importance of clitoral stimulation during intercourse was well-understood. Thrusting was supposed to 'do it all' for the woman, while in reality we now know that only some women are orgasmic through penetration alone. As you said, it's sad that neither you nor your husband happened to think of adding direct clitoral stim (perhaps it could have made a difference), but probably very few couples did during that era (1960s?). We're a lot better informed nowadays. A quick question: in your experience, how do most women prefer to receive that clitoral stimulation? I know that some prefer vibrators, some their own fingers, etc. I imagine it's an individual preference like anything else.

Yes, a very individual preference.

Betty Dodson's picture
Wed, 05/09/2012 - 09:11
Betty Dodson

However, I believe if she does her own clit stim it's always best. Who knows better how to touch themselves than the person who owns their own genitals? The first time I got up enough courage to do my own clit, my lover complained; "I feel like I'm just your dildo" he whined. I remained slilent but I thought to myself, "Yeah! What's wrong with that?" It should have been a compliment but he felt "left out."

Clit stim as a compliment

Wed, 05/09/2012 - 15:17

Personally, I'm flattered if my lover does her own clit. It shows she's into what's happening and is taking it to the next level. It's hot being with an orgasmic woman who knows her body, knows what she wants, and isn't shy about going after it.

Thank you Dr Betty

Thu, 05/17/2018 - 23:33

As a man who has been fortunate to have read most if not all of your books (I have a well worn copy of "Liberating Masturbation") I just want to say thanks.  I have been a dedicated masturbator and have been training my cock early and often each day for 35 years. Your books were integral in my journey to enjoy my sex life to the fullest (solo and partnersex).  I am forever grateful.