Should I Put My Daughter on Birth Control If She's Still a Virgin

Tue, 05/26/2015 - 08:53
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Good morning,

I have a question for you please help I'm so worry about my daughter. My daughter an I have a great communication but I'm worry because she confess me that she and her boyfriend almost had sex but she told she got scared and thought of all the advised.

She told me that he just put his penis in her but didn't go further inside her so I don't know if she's still a virgin or not. She also asked me to get her on birth control even thought she told me she's not ready to have sex. Her boyfriend told me too that they know it was wrong what they where about to do. The three of us spoke about what happened and they told me it won't happen again. They are too young - my daughter is 16 and her boyfriend 15 years old. Should I put her on birth control like pills or maybe and iud. Thank you for your time.


Dear J,

Far more important than worrying about whether of not your daughter is still a virgin, is to make sure she has some form of birth control NOW! My preference for birth control has always been the diaphragm that has been replaced by the pill and IUD's. Even condoms are preferable but like any barrier method, they must be used correctly.

While it's a good sign that she and her boyfriend trust you by discussing this, the best intentions of "not going all the way" are easily forgotten when two healthy young bodies are together. Our sexuality is far more powerful than an oath not to go all the way or have full blown penetration sex. Religion is the problem here not human sexuality. I would advise that once she has birth control, having sex with her young man would be healthy. It's the abstaining that causes a fixation to take hold and then blinds us with some abstract notion of "true love."

So be a practical Mom and forget about virginity which is a male concept to keep women ignorant about male sexuality. My advice to all young couples is to have sex before they get married to discover if they are really compatible instead of just wanting to have sexual intercourse. Again I applaud you for the trust your daughter and her lover have in you that they can come to you about anything. This is a rare quality.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Mothers & daughters

Wed, 05/27/2015 - 03:12

My daughter is 17 and in a year or so heading off to college. She's asked me to come along with her to our doctor to have the conversation about birth control before she leaves home so I read your post with interest. She isn't in a relationship at the moment but wants to be prepared.

Unlike Betty I have no real objection to birth control pills or low dosage implants for a limited amount of time and a high degree of certainty but my daughter is a bit more worried about "all those chemicals flooding my system". Certainly she will be looking to use condoms as well - at least for casual sex. Preganancy isn't the only thing (or maybe even the worst thing) to worry about. STDs are on the rise again in their age group and I don't want my daughter to have to deal with HIV etc.

In the end, our daughters are old enough to have their own views about their bodies and their reproductive health and perhaps my role is to be as supportive as I can when she's making those decisions for herself. Virginity is a total irrelevance. Like you, I'm just glad to be part of the discussions and to be able to help keep her safe.

I hope that it all turns out well for both of you.

Virgin? vs. Are you prepared for sexual partnership?

Wed, 05/27/2015 - 15:14
feminist indignation (not verified)

     I find it sort of hard to know how "Mum" is using concept of virginity. Is it the idea of Betty's as in " forget about virginity which is a male concept to keep women ignorant about male sexuality. Religion is the problem here not human sexuality."?

     I'm not sure I hear Mom that way. I might be hearing her say we have talked about it and they have agreed they are a bit young. And, since they have decided to delay is there reason to get birth control now? In this meaning the term virginity is being used by Mum as a line of demarcation between when her daughter doesn't have sex and does.

     What I do hear form Mom, Betty, and the North London Housewife is a lot of concern for the young couple. That they can live and mature with respect for one another so when they do have a first time it is a welcoming experience. I am imaging I'm hearing Mum wonder what impact does getting the pill have on their well-being?

     The way I answer that question is that being prepared for sex is part of the maturing process. And being able have and to talk about condoms every time for casual sex is being prepaid for STDs !HIV!.    IUDs diaphragms and the pill are great for circumventing procreation. But becoming prepared for sex is part of maturing for sex.

     So linguistically if we substitute the words "sexually prepared" for virginity as in are you prepared for sexual partnership rather than have you crossed the line from virginity getting protection for both boys and girls, makes perfect sense as a way to mature for sex.