I Can Never Seem to Get Myself All the Way There

Fri, 04/21/2017 - 07:49
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hi Betty,

I'm 22 years old and a virgin and I have never had an orgasm. I masturbate fairly regularly, sometimes multiple times a day, but I can never seem to get myself all the way there. I know where my clitoris is, that's not a problem, and I get very wet when I touch myself. It feels good when I rub my clit but after a while either gets sore, or it's just boring and stops feeling like anything at all. I have a vibrate too but it doesn't really give me any pleasure, it feels almost the same as it might if I held it against my arm or something.

I started masturbating at a very young age, when I was around 5 years old, so I'm wondering if maybe at a younger age I as orgasms but just desensitized myself to it so it no longer feels like how people often describe it. I realize that that may sound absurd, but aside from that I can't figure out why I can't "finish" when I masturbate so often. I don't take any medications or anything like that, so I know it's not that.

The only thing I can think of as a possibility is that maybe it's psychological, as I suffer from severe anxiety and depression, and I have very low self-esteem and I've always hated my own body. Do you have any advice or thoughts as to why I can't have an orgasm or what I can do to try harder?

Any suggestions would be appreciated! Thank you!

Dear T,

First off, you've most likely been having orgasms right along but have been unable to recognize them due to an unrealistic expectation of what an orgasm "should" be like. Next is learning to love your body and building up your self-esteem be able to really love and respect yourself.

You named your problem quite well. "I suffer from severe anxiety and depression, and I have very low self-esteem and I've always hated my own body."

Turn that around and you'll be well on your way to Happy Orgasms. Change your diet to organic Whole Foods. Start doing Yoga, swimming, running or some form of movement you enjoy to get into your body. Don't use porn as sex education. It's a grown man's fantasy that's very primitive when it comes to sexual skills. Have your own fantasies while you masturbate to focus your mind on sex. Go inside the website and read my essays on female sexuality. Practice masturbation as a meditation on self love. Have fun!

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Menopause is causing us grief . . .

Thu, 04/27/2017 - 09:37

I posted this in the forum, but I really wanted to ask you about this:

Seven years ago my wife had a hysterectomy, and then six months later I had a stroke (bleeding stroke).

In that six months we had sex a couple of times and it was fantastic, but I noticed the lack of enthusiasm from her.

However, since I had the stroke, we have not had sex once.

I have tried and tried to no avail as she claims that my doctor thought that I was not healthy enough for sex, even though my doctor has given me the go ahead as I have completely recovered.

So that has been her excuse to stay away from intmacy.

We are now in our late 50's and have been together for close to 35 years and had an awesome sex life up until her operation, and everything else in our relationship is great!

We did all kinds of stuff to keep our sex life active over the years . . .

As an example, one night when I got home from work I found a huge piece of plastic laid out on the livingroom floor, with her sitting in the middle dressed in my favorite kinky outfit of hers (I'm a leg man, so nylons, garter belts and/or pantyhose is my turn on...and she knows it), with a gallon of ice creme, a large bottle of Hershey's chocolate syrup and a can of Rediwhip.

She then told me to sit down on the couch and watch while she made herself into the most tasty ice creme sundae I've ever had in my life!

Damn . . . thinking about that night that I will never forget has got me all fired up again!

Anyway, that should give a little insight into what our sex life once was.

In those seven years I have been repeatedly turned down for sex, and when I try to make any advances I get shot down and left hanging, as it were.

Again, blaming it on my stroke.

I went into a deep depression and started drinking whiskey heavily for about two years as I was seriously considering finding sex from someone else, but I'm not built that way and have never once cheated on her or any other of the women I have been with before we got together.

But I almost did, which is why I used the drinking to stop me from stepping out on her.

I quit drinking eight months ago as it almost ruined our marriage . . . but for some reason I didn't have the guts to really tell her why I started boozing.

Well, now for some reason, I am suddenly more horny than I ever was when I was 18 (and I was a horndog back then), so two months ago I reactivated my quest for sex, and I came clean about the drinking and why I did it.

That was when the bomb fell . . . she told me that she has absolutely no desire for sex anymore and is totally put off any time I try to make any advances or even a little dirty talk (which used to get us both going at a moments notice), and that she doesn't appreciate it when I do that and wants me to stop.

Now, she said that she would 'try', but two months later still nothing . . . we are no closer to a solution!

Me . . . I'm about to explode and she knows this!

I've been having anxiety attacks over this, and the other night on my way home from work I stopped at three different liquor stores, but talked myself out of going in.

I told her this when I got home, but she just said if I started drinking again she would hit the road.

I'm at the end of my rope and as it looks right now, we may never be able to do the most wonderful thing that life gives us . . . each other and sex!

I've had a few oportunities from some other women and turned them down, but now I'm seriously considering this . . . but don't want to!

What I really want is to somehow get that old spark back but I am daily reminded that this may not ever happen.

What is a guy to do in this situation?

Never Seem to & help me too - embrace life with positive action

Fri, 05/05/2017 - 11:29
?? feminist indignation ?? (not verified)

@ 7yeardryspell,

You’re rather off topic here however it would seem the advice Betty gave T which I hear as “Know Thy Self” might be something that would do you well also. And as Betty points out it is not just knowing one’s self it is doing something in a positive direction to bring about change. So, 7yeardryspell, you have been drinking a lot. And you have not been having sex and when you did it might have been the excitement sex AKA sealed off sex not the intimate kind that builds bonds and keeps them well oiled – allows for exploring one’s physiological ramifications of emotion and connection to your self and another human being.
You did not mention what the pain your wife was suffering where fore she elected a hysterectomy or offer us any insight as to how her recovery has been. You might want to read Carlin’s posts on her recovery from childbirth and how long and how hard she and her husband worked to get her vagina back on line. Think as you read Carlin’s post here; think about how you might empathize with what your wife has encountered all these 7 years.
Through the complaining and blaming I’m hearing a woman, a wife, very dedicated to her marriage by her reaction to your brain bleed. I’m hearing she is terrified of loosing you to death. But if you hit the bottle again that’s the last straw. But being present with life and your wife requires more than not being “zombi” i.e. loosing your self in the bottle or dead. I’d guess. Is it being ‘present’ that is being requested of you?
So think about how much this woman loves you. Empathize with her loneliness, her pain of you being lost in your self, the bottle, distant, possible seal off in excitement sex effects the bond. Give your self; self empathy as well for your loss of connection to her. You might want to check out the work of Sue M. Johnson and her ground breaking work with attachment and Emotionally Focused Therapy.
Again Betty’s advice to T; “Start doing Yoga, swimming, running or some form of movement you enjoy to get into your body.” Wake up man, smell the goodness of life aground you. Stop looking to blame life itself, sealing your self off, instead embrace life with positive action, be present and live.

Have you considered embracing masturbation

martiB's picture
Tue, 05/22/2018 - 10:26

You obviously love your wife and are concerned and wish to remain faithful to her or you would not be reaching out like this. It's not easy for men to bare their soul as you are so i wanted to respond.
You both receive much love and support from each other and the only thing missing really is your need for sexual pleasure and release. She has changed and you both need to accept that but your need has also grown and you both need to respect that as well. Pressuring her into something she knows she can no longer provide would not help your relationship but you still have a healthy penis and need to fell that pleasure and release and she should understand and support that as well.
I suggest you both talk about it in just this way and I'm sure she will understand. Take Dr. Betty's teachings to heart and focus on your own self pleasure and embrace masturbation like you have probably always needed anyway. Make time for it, turn it into something fun and exciting and, who knows, you may like it more than you might first anticipate. Also, masturbation these days need not be solitary. It's become very common for men who have embraced masturbation fully to masturbate with other safely, on-line. They find it helps increase their motivation as well as the intensity and frequency of their ejaculation which is a good thing. Who knows, you can remain faithful to your wife but may evolve into a sexual, orgasmic being you never knew existed within you.