I Don't Feel Sexual Attraction When I See People

Tue, 11/28/2017 - 08:14
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hi Betty,

I'm 26-year-old, and English is not my mother tongue, so forgive me for any mistakes in writing

I am writing you because I have a problem that I don't know how to identify and I don't know how to solve.

Puzzle's pieces (it took me one hour to finish this!)

1) I don't feel "sexual attraction" when I see people - men or women - I don't find them sexually attractive, some people are aesthetically more (physically or mentally) beautiful than others, and I'm able to fell in love (once in 1'000 years), with "butterflies in my stomach" and so on, but it's all here. No "sexual attraction". No desire. Nothing.

2) I masturbate and watch pornography (of all kinds), I also have "sexual thoughts" but never in the first person. Pornography is useful to become physically aroused and masturbate. Yep, I'm physically okay, I can reach orgasm with ease and pretty quickly. But it's not "desire".

3) I never had a boyfriend and I never had sex.

4) Even if I meet an interesting guy, I'm not able to flirt, I'm not able to be "romantic" or "sexy". They say that I'm really "cold". No kisses, no "mutual masturbation", it's too triggering and I'm not able.

5) I find sex annoying, useless. Or disgusting, triggering, repulsing, agressive, rough, denigrating, humiliating to the female figure. Certainly not a sign of love. Hugs, kisses, hand holding: this is love language, not being f*cked.

6) "Romantic/gentle sex"? Pathetic, it makes me sick. It would be great if it wouldn't be fake, and I'm not so evil to convince someone to do this.

7) Sexless relationships? Paradoxically they do not seem to me "real relationships". A part of me wants have a relationship with sex.

I searched on the internet and on YouTube using various keywords (sex phobia, sexual anorexia, erotophobia, sexual aversion, sexual inhibition, inimacy phobia, intimacy anxiety, female loveshyness, hypoactive sexual desire, etc etc), but I found virtually nothing.

What can I do to learn how to flirt and start having sex even if I dislike it?

Maaaany thanks :)


Dear M,

Why would you want to have sex with another person it you dislike it so much?

Simply continue to enjoy your orgasms with masturbation until "the spirit" moves you to do more. There is nothing wrong with being celibate. Look at all the Nuns and Priests who are perfectly happy without any partners for sex.

Dr Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Wed, 12/06/2017 - 03:57

Dear M,

Betty's advice is spot on as always but I've been thinking about your final question "What can I do to learn how to flirt and start having sex even if I dislike it?"
Starting with the last part of your question: you should absolutely not have partnersex if you are not 100% committed to enjoying sex with someone. Sufferance sex is always a disaster, physically and emotionally.The world would be a significantly better place if all of us just had the sex we wanted, the way we wanted it and when we wanted it, not because we felt we should or could or might. & that's a lot easier if you have a successful solo sex life.

You are orgasmic - that's a huge thing to celebrate and enjoy.

But in the rest of your post, you seem a bit contradictory. You describe romantic/gentle sex as pathetic yet describe the gentle introduction to sex, holding each other "hugs" and "kisses" as the language of love. 

& I'm left wondering if you're just a bit conflicted between the type of sex you might want or be attracted to and the type you think you should want ie. do you want your partnersex to be a bit rough but feel that this is not the kind of sex a "good girl" wants? Are you just conflating or confusing love and sex?  Maybe it would be useful to spend some time thinking more about the type of sex you enjoy, whether fantasy, porn or potentially real-life. You don't have to love the person you're having sex with.

Flirting is a social skill like any other, that people practise as they grow up and not always (or even mostly) in a sexual sense. It's likely that you are flirting already - it's the way we make friends, identify and please people we like whether family, friends or strangers.

Flirting like partnersex takes at least two people & if someone finds you "cold" perhaps they're the ones with the problem - maybe they're simply not willing or able to put in the effort to warm you up - because flirting is a two way street and they have a responsibility to you as well.