The Absence of Pleasure Leads to Systemic Violence

Tue, 02/07/2017 - 15:21
Submitted by Carlin Ross

Natasha posted a link to James Prescott's research on body pleasure and the origins of violence. I read through the dense extract and it was life affirming. We have instincts that, at times, we question. Everything Betty teaches through her books and the workshops can be quantified. Touch and pleasure inhibit violence across the board.

It starts with maternal touch as infants. Cultures that support mothers, don't sexualize breastfeeding toddlers, and encourage general affection have less violence. The concept that pain is useful in child-rearing produces angry, aggressive adolescents and adults. Here's an interesting wrinkle: mothers who didn't experience orgasm were more likely to abuse their children.

But maternal touch is only one half of the equation. Cultures that encourage maternal affection but prohibit premarital sex saw increased violence. It seems you can't encourage pleasure in infancy and then deny pleasure after puberty until marriage without creating anger. Pleasure is an absolute proposition.

When we sexualize all touch we deny our humanity. In fact, cultures like ours that are large, sophisticated, raise children in a small groups like the nuclear family, and stigmatize family nudity end up the most violent. This violence results in high crime rates, the purchase of wives and slavery. Kind of sums up the last two hundred years of American history.

This past Monday ACS knocked up on my door. I wasn't going to share it here on D&R but it ties directly to this research and this fucked up culture. About a year ago, I posted an image of a famous Shenga drawing - a mother nursing her newborn while she was having sex with her husband. We were co-sleeping at the time and Betty showed me the drawing commenting that the world would be less violent if people saw healthy images of sexuality. That's what I posted.

We never had sex with Grayson in the bed but the image was enough to cast me as an abusive mother. It's the kind of thing that crushes your soul. It makes you question yourself and everything you do throughout the day.  If we were running a porn or webcam company and making crazy money it may seem worth it.  This is a labor of love and there has been sacrifice.  You start to think it's not worth it.

I may not be able to continue like before. Betty was maligned and harrassed but she didn't have a child. It would break my heart but I may need to make a transition until Grayson is older to protect my family.

Keep me in your thoughts.  Let's hope for a positive outcome for my family.   My mind keeps bringing me back to Bodysex and it's profound healing.  Thankfully, our Bodysex certification program is off the ground.  We didn't realize it but we may have already passed the torch.

Editor in Chief & Keeper of All Things Betty Dodson

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witch hunt

Tue, 02/07/2017 - 23:15
Naila (not verified)

Dear Carlin,

I am so sorry to hear that you were harrased by the ACS, it is un deeply upsettling , please know that the work you and Betty have done has literally transformed lives, thank you for the risks you have taken, your bold beautiful courage has been such a gift to us all, hope you are your family make it through this witch hunt, my thoughts and prayers are with you

I'm so sorry that happened

Wed, 02/08/2017 - 01:22

Dear Carlin,
How terrible!  I cannot believe that someone would do that to you. You are an incredible, loving mother.  What a shame that someone out there is so repressed and vindictive that they would put sweet Grayson in jeopardy.  I am stunned.
Thank you endlessly, dear, for your amazing work so far. I know you will not give it up, even if you have to go under the radar for a time.  Blessings to you as you sort out what is best for you and your family.

The world is sliding rapidly

Wed, 02/08/2017 - 08:36
oldgeezer (not verified)

The world is sliding rapidly toward the Dark Ages. Some day you will urge your son to come back with his shield, or on it.

sending love

Wed, 02/08/2017 - 16:11
keb (not verified)

i think what you guys do is so valuable, healing and couragous. many people are afraid of others who question and look beyond what has been laid out for us. focus on the love and truth, there are so many peole supporting you. 

love and light x

My heart hurts for you

Wed, 02/08/2017 - 17:28
Amber (not verified)

I'm stunned that you've been put in this position. We will miss you, but please put yourself and your child first.
With love!

This will likely happen more and more

Wed, 02/08/2017 - 21:30
Diane Noland (not verified)

As our country has entered a more conservative phase politically, we can expect more of this. Just a day or so ago I read of the same thing happening to a couple who photographed a father  holding his sick child while he tried to comfort him. They were naked (of course, they were in a shower) and that was enough for some repressed busybody to call CPS. The child actually ended up in the hospital soon after the photo was taken. He was that sick. 
I agree, happy people are pleasured people and they don't suspect everyone else of doing "nasty" things.

All the best, but be very very careful

Fri, 02/10/2017 - 10:31
Ken Anselm

Hi Carlin,

First let me say that I and many others believe both you and Betty are providing an extremely valuable service to society.  However, it is also very sad but true that there is a significant segment of society that would call your work a travesty on society.

 Unfortunately, politicians and other lawmakers are reluctant to support ideas like those that you and Betty expound on because it is difficult for them to defend their positions at election time.  Progressive ideas are usually slow to take root in a society and usually are only pushed forward by rallies and demonstration by thousands of people over time.

Back to your personal problem, I feel for you from personal experience.  Almost 50 years ago when my wife and I had our children (two daughters) we tried raising them with a positive attitude
towards sex and nudity in the family.  When our oldest daughter was about eleven she and a neighborhood friend (boy) were playing together (you show me yours and I will show you mine) and were caught by his mother.  The mother went into a rage and accused our daughter of starting it.  She may have for all we know, however we thought it was normal behavior
for kids that age.  Our daughter was so embarrassed that it left a deep and lasting impression on her that affected her till this day.  It would take a book to explain all the trauma she went through that could be traced back to this incident.

Our world is controlled by a society that feels sex is the root of all evil.  It’s a wonder the human race hasn’t gone extent and who knows it may yet.  I and many other people believe the way you are raising Grayson is the best way to ensure he has a positive outlook on life.  However, we are in the minority and thus would lose if forced to fight for our believes.  The only way to win is to hold onto our believes, and raise generation after generation until someday maybe a future generation can change society.

The bottom line is that despite all of your good intentions there is no way you can protect yourself or Grayson from the outside world.  You are a very intelligent woman and I know you have sacrificed a lot to get where you are.  Please do not lose sight of your goals of raising Grayson with a positive outlook on his sexuality.  However, keep in mind that it can back fire on you as it did with our family.  Be very, very careful.

You are a wonderful person and I wish you and Grayson all the best.

Tears of sadness

Mon, 02/13/2017 - 10:20
Ka (not verified)

Dear One,
My heart hurts for you and your family. You and Betty have led the transition for 'us' to claim our power. You have been the wayshowers and now it is time for those of us who have stayed too long in the background to come forward and to show ourselves and our resolve of, "NO MORE!

Sending healing thoughts. IF there is anything to be done please let us know.

Thank you for sharing this.

Be Confident

Mon, 02/13/2017 - 17:21

Be confident in the love you feel for your child and for your parenting skills which are manifold. 

Both will be very clear to the ACS (child welfare) whatever or whoever caused their visit.

Do not let yourself become fearful or to doubt - your child needs your confidence, your openess and delight in him and in life. 

Think of the most important lessons that you wish your child to learn: love, gentleness, kindness, strength, confidence, open hearted and open minded. 

Know that you are loved, within your family and beyond. You are the delight of your son's life, his strength and tenderness.

Live your life accordingly.

from the bottom of my heart

Thu, 02/16/2017 - 07:51
Carlin Ross

thank you for all these supportive comments.  We're making out way through this minus a week of sleep plus a few arguments. 

You're all so right.  When I look at Grayson and he smiles back at me I know that I'm a great mom and it will all work out.  I just have to let go and let it run its course.  


Lots of love and support

Thu, 02/23/2017 - 09:04

Dearest Carlin
I do not often comment... but i really want to tell you how sorry I am that you have to go through this. I hope you can teach the people from ASC some valuable lessons about a healthy development of sexuality. The states are really crazy with their fear of sex. I am from Switzerland and while not everything is rosy here, we defenetily are more relaxed about sex, nakedness and parenting.
I really like to thank you for your amazing work togehter with Betty, which is still transforming my life and the life of my friends.
Trough this site I get the feeling of knowing you, and I look at you as a very strong worrier women. Therfore I know you have the strenght and will power to protect your family!

Lots of love and support from Switzerland!

That's awful

Sat, 02/25/2017 - 05:53
Janette (not verified)

I'm heartbroken to hear this Carlin. You and Betty were instrumental in setting me on a path to being content and confident with my sexuality in my late 40s for the first time in my life. Having a lifetime of self-judgement and judgement of others lifted from me has meant the world to me. I hope you're not forced to step away by the current horrible climate. All the very best from me.