Because Bad Girls Say No

Tue, 03/13/2018 - 08:16
Submitted by Carlin Ross

We have this cultural myth that if we leave young girls in the dark about their bodies, deny the clitoris, and shame them against sexual experimentation (thank you virginity myth & slut stigma) that they will remain chaste and only have intercourse when they're married. The sexual double standard has always been about limiting female sexual activity.

New research has found that sexually experienced women - women who valued their sexual pleasure - were more likely to say no to unwanted sexual contact while inexperienced women were more likely to engage in unwanted sexual contact. In other words, bad girls say no and good girls say yes.

This seems so logical to me. If you believe that you matter, that "sex" is about experiencing pleasure, then you're going to get out of a situation that doesn't excite you. If you know nothing about your orgasm and have been socialized to please others, then you can't get the word "no" out of your mouth. You go along with it because you have no sense of self.

The researchers explained:

"The belief that sex is all about fulfilling male desire may set women up to engage in undesired sex for the sole purpose of pleasing a partner. If a young woman’s desire is not sufficient justification for engaging in sexual activity then her lack of desire in a given situation will not be sufficient justification for refusing sexual activity. I explored this hypothesis with a large sample of college women from across the United States.”

This is exactly what I experienced as a teen girl. I masturbated at a young age and became sexually active when I was 16 years old. I dated frequently and was labeled a "slut" because of my social mobility. Well, this slut, never had sex to please my partner. In fact, I didn't have many partners at all because most people lacked sexual skills. More importantly, I had no problem saying no. Once in the beginning of a tryst, I complained that the nipple play was too forceful. They gave the knee-jerk response, "all my other partners liked it" at which point I got up, dressed and left. I'm so proud that I had the self-esteem to put my pleasure first without giving two fucks about my reputation.

If we want to end the rape culture, it means we have to encourage our daughters to pursue pleasure. We have to acknowledge them as sexual beings and understand that they will experiment. When they're children, they need to be taught to love their bodies, how they orgasm, and that girls have sexual desire too. Then, when they hit puberty, the dialogue would turn to consent, birth control, erogenous zones, fantasy and the female model of sexual response.

Inspired by Grayson, I've been penning a sort of sex ed curriculum - something I'm calling The Fundamentals of Human Development. It's just simple one sentence concepts based on conversations I have with my three year old. It's fascinating how early the questions start. We've already touched on positive body image, erections, and consent. When you're grounded in selflove and healthy sexual expression, it all just unfolds and there's no shame or taboo topic.

Parenting can be such a healing and beautiful experience. I want D&R to support parents by giving them the tools to raise sex positive kids.

Editor in Chief & Keeper of All Things Betty Dodson

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I agree with the idea that

briansage's picture
Tue, 07/24/2018 - 00:12
briansage

I agree with the idea that kids should know about such things like sex and sexual identity earlier. But how to know when to tell them. Clair is 4 now. Is it ok to talk to her? She has never asked however. I'm afraid she would not understand.
And according to the statistics, only 5% of parents tell their kids about male-female differences starting from the age of 7-8.
Best,
Brian
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Grammar check editor, author of Family Bonds and Stars that Shine.