First Time Orgasm

Betty Dodson's picture
Sat, 02/12/2011 - 17:20
Submitted by Betty Dodson

FIRST TIME ORGASM: Most young girls will begin by using their hands and massage oil. A young woman who has a history of little or no masturbation and has reached her mid to late-20s and is looking for her first orgasm, a battery driven vibrator can be a good choice. There are many of these vibrators available.

However, it you are in your thirties or older, the Magic Wand is also a good choice. If you are using a Wand, I recommend putting some kind of fabric between you and the vibrator to soften the vibes. Lately I've been putting a sock on mine. I use a thin or a thick one, depending upon my mood.

The Magic Wand vibrator only works on AC current so the company will not ship to countries with direct electrical current. However, there is a vibrator that works on batteries called the Mystic Wand. It’s like the Magic Wands little sister. This new one has five different settings. The low setting is good for young women who are beginners and the third setting has vibrations as strong as the Big Mama Magic Wand. The Mystic is smaller, quieter and adorable. Both vibrators are available from our sex shop. Another good vibrator is the Eroscillator that is compatible with both AC and DC current.

GETTING READY: You will need to gather a few basic items. If at all possible set aside at least an hour in a warm room that's completely private. Turn off the telephone and put your cell phone in another room. Although it's not necessary, it's also nice to have candle light and music of your choice.

          For your genital exam you will need

          1. a makeup mirror that stands alone with at least an eight-inch mirror surface.

          2. A gooseneck desk lamp is the best or some light source that can be aimed between your legs..

          3. A bottle of organic massage oil such as almond, coconut, apricot, avocado, etc.

          4. A soft washcloth and a towel to sit on.

          5. The Magic Wand vibrator or a battery oporated one. For some women, the softer vibrations of a battery vibrator may be preferable.

              Or if you prefer, you can also use your hands. Ideally girls would use their hands until they enter their late twenties or early thirties.

          6. Betty's Barbell for penetration. Or  improvise with a peeled carrot or zucchini. The advantage of the Barbell is that the weight will hold it in place while you stimulate your clitoris.

GENITAL EXAM: To learn about the form and function of your vulva, it's essential to begin with a genital exam. Get a soft towel and put it on the floor with some kind of back support. Place the mirror so that you have a view of your entire genital area. Aim a bright light between your legs. Oil your hands. Now spend a few minutes doing an over-all genital massage while observing your vulva in the mirror. Enjoy the pleasurable feelings as you press, kneed and move your hands over the entire area.

Next spread your outer lips apart to explore your vulva's intricate internal design with its delicate folds. Locate your clitoris at the top of your vulva just below where your pubic hair begins. Find the shaft and hood of the clitoris. Pull the hood back so you can see your clitoral glans. With a well-oiled finger, touch the glans softly to understand why ithose 8,000 nerver endings are protected with the hood. Now massage your clitoris using different kinds of pressure from light to firm on either side, on top and underneath your clitorial glans. Observe the different sensations. Spread the inner lips apart with both hands. Locate your vaginal opening that will appear as small folds that will part when you enter with your finger. The vaginal vestibule is the recessed space inside your inner lips. See if you can locate your urethra, a tiny opening nestled somewhere in the vestibule below the clitoris and above the vaginal opening.

Arrange your genital flower in a manner you find most appealing. Take a few moments to appreciate the beauty of your magnificent sex organ. You might want to trim or shape your pubic hair and take a pussy portrait for your lover on Valentine's Day. Or enter your photo in my Genital Art Gallery.

THE PELVIC FLOOR MUSCLE: Consciously relax your vaginal muscles while taking several deep breaths. Then very slowly press your middle finger inside your vagina. Once inside, circle your finger feeling the contours of the vaginal barrel. Take another deep breath and relax all the surrounding muscles and focus primarily on the muscle that stops the flow of urine. Now squeeze and release this muscle on your finger. You will feel your vagina gripping your finger softly or firmly depending on the strength of your PC (pubococcygeus) muscle. Take your finger away and watch your entire genital area move from your clitoris to your anus when you contract the muscle by lifting up and squeezing. Do not bear down or push out. Lift and release. Lift and release. Be sure to check out how to do Kegel exercises under Betty's Vaginal Barbell.

BREATHING: Next lie down on your bed, a futon, or a blanket on the floor. Make sure you are comfortable and warm. Place a pillow under your head. Your feet are on the floor with your knees bent and both legs at a comfortable angle. Take a series of deep breaths exhaling with an audible sigh. Send loving thoughts to your body. During your masturbation session it's a good idea to be able to hear yourself breathing out loud. Getting oxygen into the blood stream is essential for clitoral engorgement. Inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth. If your nose is stopped up, do both the in and out breath with your mouth. Most women tend to hold their breath during sexual arousal so make sure you are breathing fully.

PELVIC ROCKING: Avoid tensing up and holding your body rigid. Move your pelvis like Elvis. Roll your hips. Do a little dance lying down. Use movements that feel good. Loosen up and stretch. Smile. As your hips rock forward and back the muscles in your body flex and relax similar to an athlete in motion. Take a minute and dance to the music of your choice with rhythmic pelvic thrusting along with deep breathing and sounds of pleasure. Remember sex is about having fun and feeling good. During your entire masturbation session, a gentle rocking motion can be perpetual motion. Rest if you get tired.

PENETRATION WITH PC MUSCLE: Now that you are in touch with your PC muscle, you are ready to do slow penetration. If you are new to vaginal penetration begin with your finger. Then use a peeled carrot or zucchini gradually making them bigger. Just be aware that squeezing your vaginal muscle will tend to push the veggie dildo out so hold it with one hand. If you have Betty's Barbell, penetration virgins or postmenopausal women unaccustomed to vaginal penetration will place the smaller end of the Barbell just at the vaginal opening (inside the vestibule). As you begin to squeeze and release the PC muscle, observe the sensation. Penetrate your vagina very slowly going an inch at a time while pausing to grip and release the dildo or Barbell with your muscle. Once the Barbell is inserted, it stays in place leaving both hands free. Your veggie dildo will get pushed out as you squeeze the muscle, so hold it in place or just forget set it aside.

CLITORAL STIMULATION: With the Barbell in place, add clitoral stimulation first with your oiled finger. Release all expectations of what you "should" be feeling. Just observe what is happening without passing any judgments. Stay with manual as long as it feels good. When you desire more clitoral sensation, add a battery vibrator. Stay with this for as long as it feels good.

For women using an electric vibrator, begin with the switch on low. Its okay to experiment with high later on, but the low setting will allow you to take more time and enjoy all the pleasurable sensations. Keep a light touch. The whole point of selfloving is to train your body to tolerate higher levels of sexual pleasure that last longer than a few moments.

COMBINING BREATHING, PELVIC MOVEMENTS AND THE PC MUSCLE: As you rock your hips forward, squeeze your PC muscle and exhale through your mouth. As your pelvis drops back down inhale through your nose and release the PC muscle. Forward, exhale and squeeze the PC. Drop back down as you inhale and release the PC muscle. Continue doing this while breathing out loud. Listen to yourself breathing. While this seems a bit complicated at first, like any new dance step, once you've done it a few times your body will remember the moves. As you reach a higher level of sexual arousal your breathing will be similar to jogging or walking briskly. Eventually you can make sounds of pleasure on the out breath. Try the vowels sounds of Ah, Oh or say the word "yes." Let your jaw drop and have your mouth slightly open. Keep your eyes closed with your attention focused on the sensations in your genitals.

ORGASM: It's important to let go of all romantic notions of what you think an orgasm will be like. Instead keep an open mind and pay attention to the good feelings that are happening in your body. Be patient. A consistent problem for beginners is putting pressure on yourself to come. This is the exact opposite of experiencing pleasure. Sexual excitement does not go in a straight line to orgasm similar to many men's sexual response. You can get a sensation that feels great and then it will drift or go away completely. Nothing is wrong. Keep breathing while you tense and release your PC muscle. Find another rhythm with your clitoral stimulation and change your pelvic movements until you catch the next wave of pleasure.

Just in front of a climax your pelvic movements might become more urgent and breathing more rapid as your heart rate increases. Or you might slow down and get quiet. At that point trust your body until it has the orgasm. Once orgasm occurs, don't stop. Simply lighten up with clitoral stimulation by moving the vibrator above or off to one side. Keep breathing, moving your pelvis and pumping the pelvic floor muscles. After a few moments, the hypersensitivity will subside and for some women, her clitoris will be ready to go again. At that point you have the choice of building up to another orgasm or simply riding the aftershocks of pleasure from the orgasm you just had. Some women feel satisfied with one nice full orgasm. We are unique so one size does not fit all.

About The Magic Wand: This vibrator is sold as an electric body massager. Although there are many electric vibrators on the market now, the Wand is my personal favorite. This sturdy and reliable machine is great for relaxing and soothing sore muscles throughout the entire body. The therapeutic vibrations bring a new supply of blood to any area being massaged including the genitals. Once I discovered how great this vibrator was for sexual pleasure, I started buying them by the case to share with the women in my original Bodysex groups. Since the early seventies I have recommended the Magic Wand without being paid for my endorsement. I currently sell the Wand on my website in addition to Betty's Barbell, my vaginal exerciser, and a few other favorite sex toys along with my books and videos. When you use the Wand, I recommend using a layer of cushioning. At first, I used a soft washcloth layered. Today I just put a clean white sock on the head of the vibrator.

 The Magic Wand vibrator only works on AC current so the company will not ship to countries with direct electrical current. However, there is a vibrator that works on batteries called the Mystic Wand. It’s like the Magic Wands little sister. She has five different settings and one has vibrations almost as strong as her Big Mama Magic Wand. Mystic is smaller, quieter and adorable. The low setting is good for beginners. Another good vibrator is the Eroscillator that also comes in both AC and DC current. These vibrators plus other sex toys are available from our sex shop.

A woman who has a history of little or no masturbation and is looking for her first orgasm in her mid-thirties or older, the Mystic or Magic Wand will provide steady stimulation for as long as she needs to awaken her slumbering clitoris. The strong consistent vibrations will make up for years of sensory deprivation. The Wand is a must for postmenopausal women who want to renew a fading libido or for women taking an anti-depressant. The electric vibrator is to women what Viagra is to men. The Wand is also marvelous for women interested in increasing the intensity of their orgasms, wanting to have several orgasms during a masturbation session and for women that want to experience orgasm during penetration sex with a partner. Get my book Orgasms for Two that has information on how to use a vibrator while having sex with your partner.

VARIATIONS ON EXPERIENCES WITH VIBRATORS: When you are new to vibrator sex, you may experience any number of responses. One client I observed had a full-body orgasm, but she claimed nothing had happened. Her expectations of an orgasm were so exaggerated she couldn't identify what was actually taking place in her body. Another woman had a small climax and didn't think it was real. In order for her orgasms to grow, she needed to acknowledge her small climaxes. A girlfriend told me that the first time she used a vibrator, she had the most intense orgasm of her life, but it was over before she knew what had happened. Another woman had to practice for a month before she broke through to her orgasm. We are all very different in how we respond to clitoral stimulation. 

COMMON MISUSE OF THE VIBRATOR: Some women create pain instead of pleasure by bearing down with the vibrator, crushing their sweet little clits while demanding immediate results. Or they vibrate too long irritating their vulva. If you feel pain or a burning sensation, stop. You are doing something wrong. Instead of relying on pressure to increase the sensation, keep the vibrator moving around your clitoris with a light touch. A little pressure from time to time is okay, but bearing down will numb out the most athletic clits. Breathing fully, rocking your pelvis and squeezing the pelvic floor muscles will increase your genital sensation. Avoid bearing down harder with your vibrator.

The other problem is not spending enough time. Most women who come for a private session have never masturbated for more than five or ten minutes. In order to get the energy moving similar to getting your heart rate up, I often keep my client moving, breathing and vibrating for at least an hour, sometimes up to three hours. The common complaint from women is, "I seem to get right in front of an orgasm but I can't get over that edge." My answer is, "There is no edge." Just keep vibrating while trying something different; a new fantasy, a different rhythm, shifting the position of the vibrator, altering vaginal penetration., increase your pelvic floor muscle squeezing.  Most important is don't stop, keep going.

SEXUAL FANTASY: One of the best ways to focus your mind on sexual pleasure is to engage your mind in a hot fantasy instead of running the grocery list. If you are new to fantasy you can start by imagining something sexual that you enjoyed and gradually embellish the details. Sexual fantasy is at the heart of the creative process that requires the freedom to imagine the unimaginable. Get rid of the mental censor inside your head. My fantasies have ranged from sugary romantic scenarios to thinking up elaborate set ups for bondage where I'm taken advantage of by cruel men. At first I worried about my rape and bondage fantasies, but these were the images that got me really hot. In real life I have never been put into bondage or raped. Once I understood that I was playing all the roles in my fantasies, it freed me to stop passing judgment. That alone freed my imagination to think about anything that turned me on.
DILDO USE: Once you have your orgasm pattern established, adding vaginal penetration with Betty's Barbell or differently sized dildos will intensify sexual sensations. When using my Barbell, first oil your toy and start with slow penetration. Once inside, you can leave the Barbell in place while you squeeze and release the PC muscle. The weight of the Barbell holds it inside the vagina. Or you can move it slowly in and out or do a short rapid motion while continuing clitoral stimulation. Angle the Barbell or any other dildo up toward the ceiling of your vagina and press into the urethral sponge (G-spot) and observe the sensation. Don't look for some special spot inside your vagina. It's a sensation.

Focus on your primary sex organ, the clitoris with its eight thousand nerve endings. The internal clitoris inside the body surrounds the first third of your vaginal barbell. Continue to work the PC muscle against the Barbell. Try a variety of different sized dildos. You might find a larger dildo that stretches your vagina feels good. If vaginal penetration is not that interesting for you or it doesn't feel good, then drop it and just stay with your clitoris.


Combining the five elements of clitoral stimulation, vaginal penetration, pelvic movements, PC muscle contractions and breathing out loud makes this style of masturbation the one that's most easily translated to partnersex. During intercourse, you or your partner can add the kind of clitoral contact you prefer with fingers, a battery vibrator or any electric vibrator including my favorite, the Magic Wand  or the Mystic Wand.

If you've followed these instructions and STILL CAN'T ORGASM, I've put together a longer version that's an ebook: Learn How to Orgasm.

Also, go to the Nav Bar and under Ask Dr. Betty, read the questions and my answers asked by other women. This will give you more ideas of skills you can try. I'm always working on gathering new facts to share. Be sure to read my information on the G spot. If a woman squirts naturally it's perfectly OK, but I advise beginners to stay focussed on the clitoris which is our primary organ for sexual pleasure. Another fact is that squirting is not the same thing as having an orgasm so don't get caught up in all the PR surrounding this over-stated sexual response.

Happy orgasms!

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Fri, 02/13/2009 - 19:06
Anonymous User (not verified)

I've never known how to go about female self stimulation. I'm in my mid-20's and want to maintain a healthy sexuality. Thank you for a play by play instruction!

Hopefully it will work out well for me. :)

addicted to Hitachi magic wand

Sat, 03/07/2009 - 13:04
bethlevy (not verified)

I am totally addicted to my orgasms from the HMW.

Not so good, because not every partner feels comfortable ini ts presence and because any addiction precludes pleasure from other sources.

I don't want to give it up - any suggestions?

Hitachi Magic Wand

Fri, 04/03/2009 - 16:06
Anonymous User (not verified)

More a question, than a comment. First time I used it, it was absolutely intense that I actually had to stop myself. Ever since then though every time I've tried to use it, I pee. It doesn't matter if I pee before or after and try to use it again. I was wondering if you had any tips on how to solve this problem! Thanks!

Is it really pee?

Wed, 04/08/2009 - 13:06
WildOrchid (not verified)

If this happened to me I'd assume I ejaculated. Try Wikipedia for "female ejaculation".


Tue, 04/21/2009 - 17:36
Anonymous User (not verified)

Female ejaculation, not pee.
The feeling's very similar, at least in my experience.
I'm 18, and after reading your post, I feel very lucky to have such a good solo sex life at an such an early age :)

Read up on female ejaculation.

& I know this sounds gross, but if you're coming, and it feels good, does it matter if there's a little pee? Clean up afterward. Masturbation and sex are messy- but no mess is worth depriving yourself of an earth shattering orgasm.


Wed, 07/08/2009 - 17:32
Anonymous User (not verified)

I am twenty and have had a boyfriend for two years now, I enjoy sex with him, but have never been able to orgasm...
the first time I ever orgasmed was when I was in kindergarden : ). I accidentally had one while climbing a pole on the jungle gym! hahaha! Since then, the only way I've known how to get off is by putting a lot of pressure on my clit (like dry humping the corner of a table or something)
Just wanted to say thanks Betty, because I just followed your guide to first time orgasm and had one!! I'm hoping by learning more about myself and how I like to be touched I'll be on my way to partner orgasm!


Wed, 09/30/2009 - 15:12
Anonymous (not verified)

I was exactly like this. and yes I had one when I was in like kindergarten and then since then I've never been able to get off like most people I havent tried this yet but I hope it works.

Thank you i only had one

Tue, 11/24/2009 - 21:43
14 and 3/4 year old girl (not verified)

Thank you i only had one orgaz in my whole life. I was 12 and my sis anna told me about some stuff i have no mom and i want a viberater but i cant ask my dad. I know this is a comment section but how do i get a viberater? Do i have to be 18 THAT 4 YEARS FROM NOW! please help me answer my question ANYONE PLEASE

PS im going to try to use info from above for beginner


Thankyou so much for this

Thu, 02/11/2010 - 01:50
Nio (not verified)

Thankyou so much for this post and for everything you do for female sexuality. I linked to it from my blog entry here:

Thanks again!

response to earlier comment "thank you i only had one"

Wed, 03/31/2010 - 03:16

In response to the under 18 female looking for toys (I was in your shoes a year ago!) the magic wand Betty Dodson is writing about is a body massager, not a "sex toy," you can buy body massagers similar to this at target, bed bath and beyond, sharper image--many stores carry them. There are other household props you may want to use, e.g. body pillow for dry humping,a vibrating toothbrush for clitoral stimulation, a peeled carrot for vaginal penetration. As the article above says, there are certain oils (like avacado oil) you can use as lubrication.

Im going to be 28 yr old

Mon, 04/05/2010 - 02:17
amanda0798 (not verified)

Im going to be 28 yr old this year and STILL have not had an orgasim yet! I'm not one to masterbate either, so this has really opened my eyes. I am going to start on the above steps asap. My current boyfriend and I are having problems more and more since I can not "get off" he feels like he is not performing correctly - which is not the case. I just dont feel like I can get to that point where I orgasim. It makes me feel like I am not attractive anymore or sexy.


Sat, 04/10/2010 - 17:50
Anonymous.. (not verified)

Thank you so much for this article. I haven't achieved orgasm yet and as one new to masturbation this guide really helped. I was kinda starting to feel like the odd one out, especially as i'm not very young and everyone else seems normal. I felt slightly awkward about the whole "self-pleasure" side of things, but this has really made me a lot more open to the idea. Wish me luck!


Thu, 04/22/2010 - 11:25
Juicy Jane (not verified)

Once I get done with a clitoral orgasm, I put a condom on the barbell and glided it up my boyfriend's behind. He ain't so tough now, was moaning & quivering like a litle girl. Until he ejaculated and was amazed as well as out of breath & strength.


Sun, 05/02/2010 - 09:38
womanizer1 (not verified)

You cannot teach a man anything. You can only help him find it within himself. Aristotle

Hitachi Magic Wand is so powerful!

Mon, 06/21/2010 - 22:41
Hitachiismyfriend (not verified)

The vibrations from the hitachi magic wand are more powerful than any other toy I've ever tried. It doesn't take long with the hitachi and it gives a pretty intense orgasm. I don't think I'll ever need another vibrator. I would highly recommend it to women who have trouble getting there.

Can't Orgasm, but Ejaculates?

Sun, 08/01/2010 - 09:48
WithoutO (not verified)

I am 21 and have never had an orgasm in my life alone or with a partner. I think I'm holding myself back with feelings of guilt and insecurity in both situations, which i need to work through.
The thing is though that I am definitely 'squirting' and like a lot of other women fear it's urine which holds me back even further. So is it possible to be ejaculating without reaching climax?

Thank you so much

Wed, 08/04/2010 - 16:55
AJ S (not verified)

Thanks for this post. It was very helpful. Plus it helped when I got a new Hitachi. I was a little intimidated and your advice of using a washcloth helped a bunch.
Betty, you are my shero, my inspiration, and a great teacher. I recommend your website and books to everyone I know. Here's to you Betty, bringing love, orgasms, and fulfillment to women, men, and trans people everywhere.

This is really helpful, thank you!

Sun, 08/08/2010 - 16:08
Nd (not verified)

This article has really opened my eyes. I never really saw much more to masturbation than the big 'O', but now I know it's about appreciating yourself in many more ways than one. Thank you very much Betty. I'll try it later on!
also, an open question: how old does one have to be to join this site?

Brilliant and its about time!

Thu, 09/09/2010 - 02:17
DaniellefromAZ (not verified)

I am a 25 year old female, a feminist, and a sexually aware woman. It truly makes me saddened that I have some female friends who are my own age who don't know their bodies. I think a lot of it has to do with society, some patriarchy from religion and being shamed to be a woman and have womens genitals. I recently discovered Betty Dodson on the show I saw on Free Speech TV, called "The History of Vibrators: Power & Passion" my god I felt like women speaking were my people. Its awfully lonely feeling like the only feminist in a sea full of self-hating, sexually unaware, society. That program was a eye-opening and absoultely brilliant show. I want to post it on my facebook page so more women I know can see the beauty of their bodies and to not ever be ashamed of themselves. I want to empower more women I know to educating themselves about masterbation, sexual exploration of ones own body, and pride in ones image/body. Among my friends I'm called the "sexual liberator" because I'm all about teaching and empowering them to love themselves and know themselves, inside and out. Masterbation is absolutely essential to being a great lover, you must first discover yourself before anyone else does. I keep telling my one friend, whose still a virgin and yet to 'know' her body, that her fiancee masterbates and that she should take part and celebrate her body, too. The world is too full of the self-hating ideal and we women need to gather up together to break that ugly and antiquated concept. Love yourself, god gave you a grafenburg spot and clitoris for a reason, so celebrate them!!! Thank you Betty Dodson for being such a wonderfully openminded woman.

Past menopause and sad

Sun, 09/19/2010 - 12:49
Wantbettersex (not verified)

I am almost 58, went through menopause about 2 years ago, and have had a wonderful sexual response for years after learning many of the lessons Betty teaches. However for the past 7-9 months I have experienced a significant loss of libido, and even worse very puny orgasms, where I used to have earth-shattering, whole-body minutes long orgasms. The ones I am having now are hardly worth going for, they are so non-felt. I recently had hormone testing done, and everything is within normal limits for a woman my age, including sufficient testosterone which is being supplemented topically. The only other factor that I can think that might be involved is that I have taken bupropion for the last couple of years, due to the loss of my oldest daughter. My husband and I are close; I don't think it is psychological. I want to have a good sex life for the rest of my life. I never want to stop, but this low libido and lousy orgasm is not making that goal seem reachable. Any suggestions from someone who has been through these stages of life? I want my sex drive back!!!

Yes, most women experience a

Betty Dodson's picture
Sun, 09/19/2010 - 19:44
Betty Dodson

Yes, most women experience a decline in sexual interest once past menopause. The first thing I had to do was to stop comparing my orgasms to the ones I had before the hormone levels dropped. Check out our information on menopause. Now is a good time to invest in some new sex toys. Also smoking pot helped a lot especially with relaxation. Give yourself some time to adjust to all that's going on and consider getting off bupropion and any other meds. Pay more attention to your diet and don't forget to incorporate some hot fantasies into your masturbation meditation. Finally, having a husband with whom you are close is nothing to take for granted. So don't forget to count your blessings.

Re: Past menopause and sad

Sun, 09/19/2010 - 22:27
anonymo us (not verified)

When I was a 19 year old boy, I went on bupropion and lost my sex drive. I wanted to orgasm and would take my time masturbating but my orgasms were disappointing and difficult to reach. I switched to a different medication and my sex drive is restored - please talk to the medical professionals in your life about this problem. A medication that destroys your sex drive may not be the best one for you!

I feel hopeless

Sat, 10/02/2010 - 23:57
lb22 (not verified)

So I've been with my current boyfriend for about a year now and I still haven't had an orgasm. Ever. He believes that it's him but I believe it's me, only because I've never had an orgasm before. I know it's all mind over matter. But for some reason I can not get my mind to focus. I've read your article and have tried to relax and breathe, listen to music, listen to myself breath. I feel like I've tried everything though. I even have a vibrating dildo and sometimes I reach a climax for a quick second but then back away. I've tried multiple times alone to figure out what I need, but still no hope. I'm almost so frustrated that I want to just give up forever. But when I do try again, I'll spend hours and end up giving up. What should I do? My boyfriend is willing to do anything and is understanding but I also feel bad that I haven't been able to have an orgasm. I almost have the impression that I'm scared of something.... but what?!

Dear lb22

Betty Dodson's picture
Sun, 10/03/2010 - 10:43
Betty Dodson

Instead of blaming yourselves, thinking it's all about focusing your mind, relaxing or listening to music, or using a vibrating dildo for vaginal penetration, or expecting an orgasm to last a certain amount of time, STOP!
Instead of blaming yourselves, thinking it's all about focusing your mind, relaxing or listening to music, or using a vibrating dildo for vaginal penetration, or expecting an orgasm to last a certain amount of time, STOP!

An orgasm is more about the right kind of clitoral stimulation in just the right place for as long as you need it until you have orgasm that will only last a few seconds. Most people are scared of simply practicing a skill until they master it.


Sun, 10/17/2010 - 01:58
forevergrateful (not verified)

Just so thrilled that at 32 I finally was able to achieve my first orgasm with the guidance above. THANK YOU! I feel liberated! :D

How old are you? We are both

Thu, 10/21/2010 - 12:26
amanda0798 (not verified)

How old are you? We are both in the same boat my friend. I am going to be 28 and I still have never orgasmed. My bf is frustrated which doesn't make matters any better. But I have a terrible time focusing on what feels good, all I can think about is getting to that final stage - getting the big "O". I feel so insecure now, none of my friends have any problems with orgasming, so I feel so alone, like I'm not completely a woman yet. :(

Faking Orgasm

Tue, 11/09/2010 - 19:13
CutiePie (not verified)

If fewer women would quit faking orgasms, we'd have more men who wouldn't EXPECT all the moaning and groaning and screaming acts.  These "fakes" make problems for those of us who refuse to fake!

same boat

Sat, 12/11/2010 - 20:26
suchagirl (not verified)

I have the same question and similar problem with guilt. I have masturbated only a few times with a vibrator and ejaculate each time, but, when this happens, I usually stop or ease up on the vibrator. I read somewhere that women can ejaculate before orgasm, so you might have to push through. I tried that today - not stopping after ejaculating - and am almost positive I had an orgasm. My whole body felt warm and tingly and it was really intense. I actually had to stop because it felt too good/intense (might play into feeling guilty also...). But, yeah, try to keep going?

same here

Sun, 12/12/2010 - 18:16
Tiff0123 (not verified)

I am 32 and I feel the same. My husband just dont last and he doesnt do alot of forplay so I feel like I am no longer attractive and I have put on weight with the birth of my 3 kids.  I can get one on my own but not with him so he doesnt want to have sex anymore because he feels bad that I cant have an orgasm and he does. I know it would help if he masterbated him self prior but he does not do that. I feel like we both can use the help but its hard because when we do have sex I try to enjoy it rather than expect to get anything but it is always on my mind.

Dear Same Boat and Same Here

Betty Dodson's picture
Mon, 12/13/2010 - 14:00
Betty Dodson

Please get my book "Orgasms for Two" that addresses both of your
problems and complaints. Women need to let go of the idea that they are
supposed to come during partnersex that rarely lasts long enough for us
to get warmed up let alone have a full orgasm. I know for myself that I
need at least 30 to 45 minutes in order to come. Most men only last 2 to
10 minutes at best. It seems like a cruel joke that society insists on
protraying heterosexual intercourse as the end all be all of sexual
pleasure. It's not! Penis/vagina sex is procreational sex. When we want
recreational sex we need to focus on our clitoris.

So oralsex is better or if you want to come with lover boy's penis inside you, stimulate your own clitoris the same as you do during masturbation. Another approach  I've used is to masturbate for 10 or 15 minutes before intercourse so  I'm already turned on. My last lover had marvelous come control which is fairly rare. But even then, sometimes his penis would give out when I needed another 5 minutes. In that case, he'd use his fingers or my favorite dildo to continue vaginal penetration throughout my entire
orgasm.We need to be more creative when it comes to partnersex.